Marching to a Different Drummer
In Phase 3 of my process:
My clients receive more free time than most any couples counselor. I typically spend an hour or more, not just 10 minutes, to prepare for your upcoming session.
My session hour means a full 60 minutes, not a deflated 45-50 minute "therapy hour."
After the session, I may email you a summary of the action items we discussed, along with any relevant attachments to help you stay focused until we meet again.
Clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr. noted, "People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage. Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be non-directive or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage." Yet evidence suggests that if marriage counseling does not incorporate the goal of relationship improvement, the likelihood of divorce increases.
Finding the Most Effective Professional. To find the right couples counselor, ask about their philosophy and approach before committing to their process. What role does this person intend to play? Is the marriage therapist goal-oriented? Is the couple's counselor willing to fight for your relationship? Do they look to reveal core issues and not just the surface conflict arising from them? Is a couple’s reconciliation at the heart of what they do? Author Jim Kinnison notes, "Simply being licensed by a government is no guarantee marriage counselors have any wisdom or ability to help correct any but the most superficial problems in a relationship."
Marriage counselor Michele Weiner-Davis, therefore, advises, "Put a great deal of effort into finding a therapist who will support both you and your marriage." Marriage counselor and infidelity expert Dr. Shirley Glass advises those already seeing a professional, "If your therapist just sits back and watches your exchanges without providing any structure or direction, it may be time for a change."
The lesson to be learned here is that if there is no explicit goal of rebuilding the relationship at the beginning of the process, disappointment will likely be experienced at the end. Such was the case for Stephanie and Max. They ended up getting divorced.
An Approach that Works. I distinguish myself from conventional marriage therapists and mental health counselors. At the core, I am a conflict resolution specialist who proactively helps couples enjoy a deeper level of peace and harmony with each other. As the architect of the "Reconciliation Model of Peacemaking," I use a mediatorial framework that is not about assigning psychiatric labels or developing "treatment" plans. It is about getting to know who you are as a whole person, understanding your perspective, addressing your core issues as a couple, and fostering reconnection. In a sense, the relationship is my client. Whatever is best for the relationship is what I promote.
Regarding my approach, one unsolicited observer seeking couples counseling wrote: "We went to a therapist yesterday. However, she didn't offer anything constructive for us to do in order to better our relationship. She stated the obvious. That was why when I saw your plan it was refreshing since it has actual steps for a couple to take.
Added Bonus. Psychologist and family therapist, Cloe Madanes, wrote about an often-forgotten truth. "Through the ages we have known about the importance of having a mentor, guide, or teacher in order to succeed... The same applies to relationships." Her advice? "If you want to have a happy, successful relationship, model yourself on those who do." Being happily married to Mary for 49 years, I will share personal insights along the way intended to help the two of you experience the same kind of beautiful relationship we have long enjoyed.
