The Pain of Family Estrangement
and What to Do About It
Has your adult son or daughter stopped speaking to you?
I'll reach out to them and help the two of you start talking again.
Prefer to write first? Send me a message and I'll get back to you.
Another holiday without them? It doesn't have to stay this way.
The Hurt of Being Cut Off
If you have been cut off from someone in your family, you are not alone. Parents are cut off from their children, and children from one or both parents. Grandparents lose contact with their grandchildren. Brothers and sisters stop speaking to each other. It happens with other relatives and longtime friends as well. For untold numbers of people, this kind of break is traumatic. Here's how three people described it:I have been quite depressed lately over my estrangement with my son. I stopped sleeping well. I cry. I feel that huge hole within myself. I've been getting sick. I have reached out to my son via email saying I love him; that my husband and I want our son back. But no matter what I do and how hard I try, nothing has worked.
Being estranged from your children and grandchildren... It's like experiencing a funeral, but they are not dead.
Many of my friends are excitedly anticipating visits from their relatives. They are shopping for them, planning meals and activities. I am truly happy for them. I want the same for myself, but I can't have it....
There Is Hope
You may have tried everything on your own. A trained mediator can open a door you can't open by yourself. With a Ph.D. in Conflict Analysis & Resolution and 25 years in the field, I help people across the country reconnect with family members through a process most therapists don't offer. You and your loved one don't need to live near each other. Most of this happens by phone and secure video.
I have been married 50 years and am a father and grandfather myself, so I can understand how much it hurts when someone is missing from a family gathering, or when you don't know what is going on in their life.
How the Process Works
1. Call
Call me, Dr. Ken Newberger, at 561-490-4991 for a free consultation. We'll briefly talk about your situation and how I work, and decide together whether this approach makes sense for you. There's no obligation. I offer day and evening hours, and if I don't pick up, leave a message and I'll return your call. Afterward, if you choose to move forward, I will send you ground rules to sign and an in-depth questionnaire to complete so our time together is focused on what matters most.
2. Meet
Meet with me by secure video, phone, or at my Boca Raton, FL office. We will go over your answers to the questionnaire and explore your perspective in more detail.
3. Contact
I will contact your loved one by email or phone. If they respond, I will explain who I am and how the process works. If they are open to it, I will send them the same ground rules to sign and questionnaire to answer. I will then follow up with them in person, by video, or by phone to understand their perspective and what they need to restore the relationship. I will keep you updated on where I am in the process.
Your family member will know that you asked me to reach out, and I will tell them so plainly. I am not there to deliver your side of the story or to tell them they are wrong. Even though you may be the one paying for my time, my role is the same with both of you: to listen carefully and to understand what would need to happen for the two of you to talk again.
If they aren't ready to talk, I will respect that and won't keep contacting them. Sometimes a door that is closed today opens later, and I can stay available if that happens.
4. Reconcile
Reconcile with your loved one through a guided mediation process. Before our first joint session, I typically meet at least once more with each of you individually. Then, with both of you engaged, I help prepare the way for the two of you to talk meaningfully again, with reconciliation as the goal.
Fees
You pay in stages, as each step happens.|
First call (up to 30 minutes) If you choose to move forward, please complete this contact sheet. |
No charge |
|
Getting started I will send you a questionnaire to fill out. When you finish it, I will review and analyze your answers. Next, I will meet with you for up to 2 hours. After that, I will email your loved one to let them know what's going on. Then I will call to speak with them. If they do not respond or say no, you pay nothing more. A mother and father can complete one questionnaire together and take part at no extra cost. If another family member joins the process, they go through the same steps at the same cost per person. |
$600 |
|
If they say yes I will send them a copy of the same questionnaire you completed. I will review and analyze it. Next, I will meet with them for the first time. After that, using my notes from my meetings with each of you and your questionnaire answers, I will compare and contrast your two perspectives. I typically meet at least once more with each of you individually. (This is billed separately, under Individual meetings below.) I will then take my notes from all the sessions and prepare for our first joint session. |
$800 |
|
Joint sessions (about 2 hours each) Usually two to three sessions, billed in quarter-hour increments. If a session runs less than 10 minutes over, the extra time is not billed. |
$200 per hour |
| Preparation for each joint session after the first one | $125 per session |
| Quick calls and brief scheduling messages (less than 10 minutes) | No charge |
| Individual meetings, longer calls, and emails before or between joint sessions (10 minutes or more) | $50 per 15 minutes |
| Typical Total for you (or both parents) and one family member | $2,400 to $3,400 |
A Family Story
A retired couple in Florida came to me. They had not heard from their son, a man in his fifties living several states away, in five years. After meeting with the parents, I reached out to their son, who agreed to talk. I went back and forth with each of them until both were ready. Then I arranged a phone call and sat with the parents in their home as they spoke with him. Because of the groundwork I had laid with both sides, I was confident the conversation would go well. And it did. That call ended five years of silence and led to plans for a visit.
Confidentiality
What is shared during this mediation process is confidential. Both of you agree in writing to keep it confidential, not to use what is said against each other in court, and to have Florida's mediation confidentiality law govern this process. That law allows a few limited exceptions, such as a threat of harm.Common Questions
Won't contacting them make things worse?
That is a common worry. I don't pressure anyone, and I don't argue your case. I tell your family member plainly that you asked me to reach out, that you want the relationship back, and that I would like to hear their side. Many people who have cut off a relative have never been asked for their side by someone willing to listen. If they say no, I respect that and stop. A single, respectful contact from a neutral person usually lands very differently than another message from you.
Do we need to live near each other, or in Florida?
No. The two of you can live in different states. Most of this work happens by phone and secure video. If either of you is near Boca Raton, FL, we can also meet in person at my office.
What if I don't know why they cut me off?
Many people in your situation don't. Part of my job is to listen to them and understand what happened from their side and what would need to change for the two of you to talk again.
Is this family therapy?
No. I am a conflict resolution specialist, not a therapist, and this is mediation. Therapy usually helps one person cope with the estrangement on their own. Mediation involves both of you, with the goal of restoring the relationship. It also moves faster than therapy. Hard truths usually come out early, while therapy tends to work toward them gradually. That can be difficult, and it's good to be prepared for that. This isn't covered by insurance, and no diagnosis is ever made or recorded.
What if there has been abuse or violence?
This process works best when both people can talk safely. If there has been abuse, threats, or violence in the relationship, please tell me during our first call so we can discuss whether this approach is appropriate for the two of you.
Reaching out is hard when you've been hurt, and you don't need to have the right words. Call me at 561-490-4991, tell me what happened, and we'll take it from there. If it's easier to put it in writing first, send me a message.
Not ready to call yet? Take the self-test first: Are You Ready to Reconcile?
Ken Newberger, Ph.D.
Conflict Analysis & Resolution
Conflict Resolution and Relationship Specialist
Conflict Analysis & Resolution
Conflict Resolution and Relationship Specialist