Can You Relate?
Married But Living Like Roommates
When Janet and I were first married, we were very good friends and really enjoyed each other’s company. We were not as intimate as often as I would have preferred, but it was enough to develop a good connection. Today we have two girls and are still relatively young.
After the kids were born, however, we started to drift apart. Jan focused all of her attention and affection on our daughters, giving them hugs and kisses. All I would receive was a peck on the cheek. Sex dwindled until it was pretty much non-existent. Sadly, my wife and I are no longer lovers. We are married but living like roommates.
I started questioning myself. My confidence has taken a nose dive. When our sex life dried up, I started exercising. I have never been overweight, but I've become so physically fit that I now have a visible six-pack. I must look good, because I get compliments from both men and women at the gym.
I have repeatedly and directly told Jan about feeling neglected in this marriage. I have asked her why she gives the kids hugs, kisses, snuggles, random affection, but not me, the married roommate. She doesn’t get defensive. In fact, she agrees and says she will change but never does. My complaining doesn't do any good. To make things worse, Jan began to spend more of her free time with her parents who are retired and live nearby. I’ve become an adult version of “Home Alone.”
I am losing motivation. My chores around the house don't get done like they used to. “What's the point?” Whether I mow the lawn or not, I get the same amount of attention and appreciation, which is hardly any.
We can go for a month or more without sex. Then, out of the blue, she lets me know that she's interested. I am the married but living more like a roommate with occasional “benefits.” I have forgotten what romantic love means. Deep down, being married to my wife leaves me feeling used, not loved.
I feel trapped and at times depressed because I don’t know how to change my “married roommate” status. Jan is a great mother but not a great wife. As a husband, how much do I have to give up “for the sake of the kids”?
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If you are struggling with this issue in your marriage or an entirely different one, view my process for helping couples rebuild their marriages. Go to: www.MarriageCounselingAlt.com/couples.htm. Then call me, Dr. Ken Newberger, to discuss your situation without charge at 239-689-4266.